


B-Sides, Bodies, and Unicorns

by SegaBarrett



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Gen, Locking Yourself in a Cupboard, videos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 19:37:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17628410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SegaBarrett/pseuds/SegaBarrett
Summary: A few snapshots of Queen over the years.





	B-Sides, Bodies, and Unicorns

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sweetillusion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetillusion/gifts).



“You just don’t understand true artistry!” The sound of a cymbal crash followed by a string of expletives and some vague growling followed Roger Taylor’s departure from the main room in the studio.

“I think Roger just became a rock cliché,” Freddie Mercury declared, plopping down into a chair and putting one leg over the other. “He’s taking this whole thing far, far too seriously. Now, what are we really going to put as the B-side? I was thinking ‘Seaside Rendezvous’.”

“It can’t be an entire single of just you, Freddie,” Brian May declared. “There’s four people in the band.”

“’Good Company’, then,” Freddie replied, “Or ‘You’re My Best Friend’, maybe.”

That was when the slam of the cupboard door made them all look over to the noise. They didn’t understand; not at first, at least. Freddie momentarily thought he was back at home and that Tom and Jerry were batting at the cabinet doors again, trying to sneak out a few extra treats under Freddie’s watchful eye.

It was only when they heard the rattle and racket from inside that they realized that something much larger than a cat was inside.

“Roger?” Freddie called, taking a tentative step towards the cupboard. “Why are you in a cupboard?”

“I’m staging a protest,” came the muffled voice.

“A protest?” Freddie looked at Brian. “Taking after Brian and becoming politically active are we? What are you protesting?”

“I’m protesting until ‘I’m in Love with My Car’ gets the appreciation it deserves.”

Freddie looked at Brian again and gestured, mouthing, “A little help here!”

“It’s a lovely song, Rog,” Brian replied. “Really great. It stirred my soul. You can come out now.”

“I’m not coming out until it’s the B-side.”

“How did he even fit in there?” John asked, leaning down with a look of fascination and horror on his face. Freddie shrugged, then snickered.

“That sounded really dirty, Deaky.” John blushed. Freddie knocked on the cupboard door. “Come on out, Roger.”

“Not until it’s the B-side!”

“The laws of science say that he has to come out eventually,” Brian offered. “I mean, unless we wanted to speed things up by actually making it the B-side.”

“Never!” Freddie declared. “I am not having some second rate car porn on the B-side of my masterpiece.”

“It’s not car porn!” Roger’s voice echoed.

“Yes, it is – ‘with my hand on your grease gun’?” Freddie shot back. “Why don’t you show your face… Car Lover!”

“This got extremely weird,” Brian declared.

“Got?” John asked. “This has been weird for years.”

Freddie knocked on the door again.

“Come on Roger. We’re behind schedule already and we have to finish the album.”

“No,” Roger replied.

“What do you want?” Brian asked again. “We can talk about the single, but you’re going to need to come out of the cupboard first.”

“I’m not coming out until you agree to my demands,” Roger said. “I want ‘I’m in Love with My Car’ to get the recognition that it deserves.”

“You mean none?” Freddie yelled at the door of the cupboard.

“We have cookies,” John declared.

“….Cookies?”

“And we’ll do it,” Brian said with a sigh. “If you want ‘I’m in Love with My Car’, then you get ‘I’m in Love with My Car.’”

The door opened, and Freddie pouted and pivoted over. 

“Are there really cookies?” Freddie asked.

***

**Seven Years Later**

“Freddie,” John whispered. “None of these people have clothes on.”

“Don’t be silly, Deacy. They have clothes on. Just not a lot of clothes.” Freddie arranged his leather jacket and peeked down at one of the numerous arrows. “We’re going to have fun.”

John knotted his hands together nervously, looking down and finding a half-naked woman grinding on the ground.

“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” he asked quietly. She didn’t answer.

“This steam keeps getting in my eyes,” Brian complained. “I can’t even look up at the camera like this.”

“I would have thought you’d be a fan of condensation and evaporation, Brian,” Freddie declared.

“…Just because I’m a scientist doesn’t mean I appreciate all the states of matter, Freddie. This is one I could do without.”

“So I just chime this cymbal right there?” Roger spoke up. He was perched right behind a dancer who had on leather pants that looked too tight. 

“There are a few people here who would like to chime your symbol.”

“Freddie, stop.”

“Let’s roll tape,” Freddie said.

“Give me… body… give me… your body…” the tape played, and Brian rolled his eyes.

“Freddie, your song is like watching the scrambled adult channels,” he complained. “The only people who are gonna want to see us get all hot and sweaty are...”

“Everyone, because we’re fab,” Freddie shot back. “What the fans want is us hot and sweaty and steamy.”

“I’m not sure this is quite what they had in mind,” John said, trying to pull his shirt away from his chest, where it appeared to have affixed for the foreseeable future.

“Let’s roll tape,” Brian said with a groan, “The sooner we get this done with, the better. I’m pretty sure that I’m molting.”

“You guys are no fun,” Freddie said. Three men with no shirts on took that moment to walk by them, and Freddie stared. “What were we talking about again?”

“The concept for this video. If there is a concept,” Roger said. “Or was the plan just to get us all out to the sauna so you didn’t lose your gym day, Freddie?”

“Oh, dear, you know I never go to the gym.”

“You own one!” John protested.

“But I never go to it…”

John sighed and shook his head.

“I went along with you on this new sound for Hot Space… but this is a little weird, Freddie.”

Someone began to hump the ground.

“Well… let’s see how it goes,” Freddie replied, his face falling a little bit.

They all felt bad.

“We’ll try our best to enjoy your weird steambath, Fred,” Brian said. He picked a tangle out of his hair. “Let’s just make it fast.”

***  
**Two Years Later**

“I’m not wearing that.”

John was nearly stamping his foot. His voice was quiet, but it was resolute.

“It’s majestic,” Freddie protested.

“It’s a unicorn head!” John replied. “I don’t want to be a unicorn!”

“Can’t only virgins see unicorns?” Brian asked.

“Well, you can see him,” Roger quipped in response. They made a face at each other. “And Freddie, what the hell are you supposed to be, anyway? People are calling you the giant prawn.”

Freddie looked a mix between flattered and offended.

“I don’t recall prawns having that many eyes, though…” Roger continued. “Then again, anatomy class was kind of a long time ago.”

“I’m not a prawn!” Freddie declared, “I’m…” He paused, hands drifting to his stomach as he looked over it with a small smile. “I look good.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” John said, “But I’m not wearing this head, okay?”

“Why won’t you wear your head?” Freddie walked up to him and wiggled his fingers. “I’m an angel on your shoulder, and I say ‘wear the head’?”

“And I’m a devil on your shoulder and I say, ‘Don’t do this to yourself,” Roger chimed, walking over on the other side. “We’re all going to regret this.”

“But really, why can only virgins see unicorns?” Brian spoke up.

“Mr. May, that’s dirty,” Freddie chided. “All right, let’s do this.” He strutted up the stairs, waving his arms.

He was a sight to be hold.

Roger sighed.

“Let’s do it.”

John looked around at them all.

“I’m still not wearing my head.”

“Well, let’s ride off into the sunset… with prawns,” Brian mused.

And they did.


End file.
